This Time Last Year, I Was Afraid To Eat Food... Allow Me To Explain.

Anyone who has known me for a while will probably remember when I was 'the bigger kid,' to put it kindly. For those unfamiliar with my story, during high school, I always carried a lot of weight. To give context, in my senior year (2019-20), I started the year weighing about 190 pounds, which definitely was not ideal for a 5'8 17-year-old. However, that year I began learning about working out, and by March 2020, I had shed about 15 pounds down to around 175 pounds. Then, as well all know, Covid-19 hit, shutting down everything, including gyms. When that happened, I began to lose my motivation to work out, and by the time I moved from my hometown of Richmond, BC, to attend Vancouver Island University in Nanaimo in September of 2021, I was back in the 183-185 range.

September 2019

While in Nanaimo, I didn’t have many friends and rarely went out. When I first got there, I hated it be frank—I was homesick, felt alone, afraid, and straight-up bored, the only thing I looked forward to that fall were NFL Sundays and my trips back home.

Despite how bleak it sounds, those tough circumstances turned out to be the best thing for my physical health. I rediscovered my passion for fitness and working out, using it as a way to get out of my dorm and stay active.

By the time I returned to Richmond in April 2022, I was the lightest I had ever been, down to 165 pounds. I kept that momentum going through the summer, and by the time the new school year started in September, I had reached 150 pounds!

How did I lose weight so quickly? Well, it was because I was in an extreme calorie deficit. For those unfamiliar, a calorie-deficit diet involves consuming fewer calories than your body needs to maintain it's current weight. For example, if your maintenance calories are 2,500 per day, a typical calorie deficit might involve eating somewhere around 2,000-2200 calories per day to begin a period of weight loss.

At the time, I probably could have lost weight by eating 2,000 calories a day, but I didn’t. Instead, I was probably only eating about 1,300 to 1,600 calories daily, which, over time, was simply unsustainable. Even though I didn’t need to lose more weight when I hit 150 pounds, I didn’t care. Having grown up as the 'fat kid,' I was determined to shed as much weight and fat as possible.

By the time I returned to Richmond after two years in Nanaimo, I weighed around 130 pounds, I had lost 60 pounds in just 18 months. Yet, despite this achievement, at a point where I should have felt my best, I actually felt worse than ever.

October 2022- Somewhere in the 130s

I was in a calorie deficit for so long that I didn’t know when or how to stop, which led to anxiety attacks, mental exhaustion, constant fatigue, and isolation. But the strangest part was that I developed a fear of food.

In simpler terms, I believed I wasn’t allowed to enjoy food, everything I ate had to align with my goals. And yes, despite being borderline anorexic at 130 pounds, I was still obsessed with getting leaner. To give an example of how bad it got, if I craved something sweet like a cookie or muffin, I’d chew it just to taste it, then spit it out to avoid consuming the calories. I’m not even sure if that’s a real thing, but it shows just how bad my mindset was at that point.

The summer of 2023 turned out to be the most depressing time of my life. A time I had hoped would be my most social as I was finally back in Richmond full-time, ended up being my loneliest.

Then, something shifted. I don’t know exactly what did it, but one day I woke up and thought something along the lines of, "You can’t stay at 130 pounds for the rest of your life." That realization was step one in a long process that wasn't fixed overnight.

In September 2023, I was prescribed to start taking antidepressants to help with the process. I’m still on them, and while I don’t know when I’ll be able to stop, I feel like I’m nearing the end of that journey.

As I return to school next week to finish my degree, as well as approach the one-year mark of me being on antidepressants, and the same amount of time since I had that shift in mindset, I am now weighing around 145-148 pounds, and I can honestly say I’ve never felt better. In the gym, I’m stronger than ever, I’ve learned to enjoy going out (even if it means not drinking), and most importantly, I’ve repaired my relationship with food to the point where it no longer has control over me.

May 2024- Around 145 LBS

To wrap things up, I want to let you know a couple of the multiple reasons I have for writing this.

First, I want to acknowledge something, although I do believe being in a calorie deficit is the most effective way to lose weight, it's crucial to know when to step out of it, or at least know when to take a break to enjoy life for a little bit. One cookie or muffin from time to time will not ruin your entire progress.

Secondly, I want to assure you that things do get better. No matter how dark the days may feel right now, there is light at the end of the tunnel. If you have any questions, I'm more than happy to answer them.

To quote Thomas Wayne and Alfred Pennyworth in Christopher Nolan's Dark Knight films, "Why do we fall? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up."